Warning: this blog contains swearing and references to Jesus, read at your own risk!
Today I have woken up angry.
I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of a lot of things.
Listening to the same old thought patterns in my head, dealing with the same old destructive habits, feeling like I’m going round and round in circles, running on the spot and sinking in the same old crap at the same time.
And you know what?
Bollocks to it.
Bollocks to every last sticky, slimy bit of it.
In this last couple of weeks I’ve had what appear to be symptoms of the right side of my heart being severely enlarged. I’ve been exhausted in the evenings, especially if I’ve exercised in the day, and I’ve had some palpitations and times of mild breathlessness when I’ve been at work not doing anything particularly physical – like just sitting in a meeting and talking. And this is not ‘normal,been busy, not enough sleep’ tiredness, it’s proper ‘body feels like lead, can’t move’ exhaustion. I even fell asleep sat upright on the sofa while I was reading on Saturday, like an old lady!
But it’s not even that that’s making me angry – it is how I’ve been responding to my emotions towards it. It’s how I respond to lots of stuff that I find difficult.
I go on massive self-destruct mode internally, and it shows in how I personally treat myself emotionally and physically. How I display manipulative, addictive behaviour around food – like eating 1 biscuit in front of people at work with one hand whilst using the other hand to stuff 5 more biscuits into my pocket to eat when I’m alone. Or when I stop eating altogether to prove that I can go without. How I feel crippled by fear – fear of being vulnerable, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change, fear of staying the same. Then the covering up with lies. Then the guilt, the shame the self-victimisation. And it goes on and on and on and on and on.
I know I need to ‘soothe’ myself and ‘be kind’ to myself. I know I need to love myself more, focus on the positives, let go of yesterday and not give up. But today I say bollocks to all that mushy, sloppy, hippy, yogurt-eating, sandal-wearing, tree-hugging stuff as well. Today I simply say, ‘NO MORE’.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)
So I’m going to stop.
I’m going to stop focusing on losing weight. I’m going to stop trying to hide. I’m going to stop running away from myself. I haven’t got the energy for it any more. It is exhausting. I can’t keep going on in this way. I can’t keep stopping and starting, and going round in circles, and beating myself up. NO MORE.
I’m going to be vulnerable, exposed, open. It’s the only way left. I’ve been trying to be those things but in a controlled way. I’ve been trying that for what feels like all my life. And now I’m exhausted. NO MORE.
For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)
I submit to you Lord Jesus. I lie here face down in all this crap, angry, done in, fed up, had enough, can’t go on. And I submit to you. I’m so sorry that I’ve gone on my own way for so long in this stuff. I’m so sorry that despite following you, giving my life to you, worshiping you, loving you, being freed and healed by you, that I’ve been holding onto all this crap. I have been a slave to this stuff for too long. And I have had enough of yoking myself to it.
Today, Lord, in the intensity of my emotions, in this angry, ugly, empty place, I humbly accept the gift of freedom that you have already given me. I am weak Lord, but you are strong. Only you can heal me Jesus. Please help me to be weak and vulnerable so I can be filled with the strength of your Holy Spirit.