Ah the power of non food treats. Today? Hairspray. And no I haven’t resorted to solvent abuse. If things get that bad i promise I will seek help….
I had my hair cut short on Friday!
Now it wasn’t really long (just to my shoulders) but this still feels like a big deal.
Getting rid of old dead stuff that’s been hanging around for ages getting frizzier, rougher, despite relentless pressing and pulling with torturous heat. Old dead stuff can’t be got rid of by scraping it back or trying to hide it under things. Of course there’s treatments – self-help over the counter remedies and experts purporting solutions. Then there’s the people telling you ‘its not that bad’ or ‘doesn’t matter’ when inside you know that truly it is and does.
No, the only way to get rid of old dead stuff is to cut it off. Go for the chop. Get rid. No longer attached to you it can simply be swept off the floor and thrown away.
And this is what changing my life and fixing my heart is all about. Being courageous, taking risks, getting rid of stuff that just doesn’t make the most of my features, that restricts me, hinders me and that I hide behind. Cutting off the old that is no longer good for me, whatever it may be.
It feels good.
It feels liberating.
It feels exciting.
Hello world I’m coming out of hiding! And I’m going to laugh and scream and cry and give woops of joy as I do it!
As I sit in a coffee shop in the city centre writing this (because I missed the bus home and wanted to get out of the rain) I am amazed at how comfortable I feel in myself.
Amazed because I’ve spent so much of my life in excruciating shame. Ashamed of things that I’ve done or haven’t done, ways that I feel or don’t feel, things that have or haven’t happened to me. Ashamed of my body, my face, my sexuality, my personality. Too much of my life, my precious time, spent feeling this way. Awkward, contorted, restricted.
But in this moment I am not ashamed of who I am. I can be seen and it is OK.
I am OK.
There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off. (Proverbs 23.15)
Love L x