Exam stress -to give up or not?

I’m currently trying to fight the urge to stuff my face with chocolate and/or to runaway from it all….

Am in uni with a vast amount of work still left to study and memorise for the EU law exam on Friday. It doesn’t help that there are full-time students crying about how hard it was and a teacher saying that a lot of people fail this one.   I was trying to forget that.

Aaaaaah.

And then Prince’s ‘Purple Rain’ came on the radio and I just burst into tears at the computer.  I can’t believe my lovely Prince has gone.  I can’t believe I’m crying in this room.  Oh my goodness, the chocolate is crying out to me so loudly right now.

Do I need to get out of this frame of mind?

No I need to FEEL this and use it to motivate me. Why am I trying to change my life?  Study to be a lawyer at my age?  Really?  Get fit? Really?  Lose 50lbs?  Really?  Why? Why? Why?

So I look up ‘Don’t give up’ images on the computer… here’s a few that stood out to me.

OK, yes there is truth in these, I can see that.  I also recall my bestie saying:

“you’ll be a shit hot, super-fit, fighter of a lawyer”. 

Wow, OK, but what am I fighting for?  I need to remember.  No I need to ask God why he has put me here.  What does he have for me to do?  What fills my heart with passion and fight? Then, on the radio comes ‘You Got The Love’ – the Candi Staton version of the old gospel song (you can watch a video of it here):

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying, “Lord, I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

Sometimes it seems the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then I feel like life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

And I sit with my head in my hands and I pray.  I ask God to show me why? what?  WHO?

And instantly thoughts and images flooded my mind.  Not all of which I was expecting.   I can feel a fire has been ignited in me- I can literally feel a hot, burning sensation rising up from my belly into my chest, and tears are stinging my cheeks.  I no longer care that I have people around me – I am a hot mess.  They don’t care either, they will be too busy preoccupied with their own stuff to notice me.  But God has noticed, and he is speaking, and it’s getting so painful that I can hardly stand it.

And then I hear a small still voice –

‘my daughter, think of Esther; are you not also called for such a time as this?’ 

Whoa. Who me? Me God? Me?

I’m totally ablaze now. Think I’ve become invisible to everyone except God.

But Lord surely it is easier to bury my head in the sand, or rather in the chocolate, than it is to look around at the world and want to change it?   It is easier to walk away, to do nothing, to stay quiet. The problems are too much, anything I can do will be like a drop in the ocean.  In fact I can’t do anything anyway. I can’t even memorise this stuff for the exam let alone make a difference in the world.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not big enough.  I’m not strong enough. 

I AM’

I had to take myself to the bathroom.  Literally shaking, taking deep breaths.  A mixture of fear, euphoria and awe.  Am I really hearing from you God?  Or is this just in my imagination?  Have I lost the plot?

‘Read Isaiah 42’  

I come back to the computer and read it (here).  It tells me who Jesus is.  Wow. And that is who the Father sees when He looks at me?!  For I died to this life, and my real life is hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3).

So EU law exam?  Bring it on!  Another 3 years of law training?  Bring it on!  Another 40lbs of weight loss?  Yup!  A lifetime of exercise so I’m fighting fit?  Let’s have it large!  Major heart surgery?  Go on!  Even if I’m single forever? Yes because I am HIS!

It’s amazing how knowing why you are doing something that you are not enjoying or feel afraid of is just the motivation you need to not give up.

So I am not giving up.

And I am not stuffing my face with chocolate either.

You want to know what God showed me?  I wish I could share what  I saw in my mind but I can’t, so here are some related images.  They are really tame compared to what I saw, but still may be upsetting.

Thank you for reading.

L x.

 

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