Today, I had plans. A huge list of things that I wanted to get done, achieve, enjoy. I got up and washed at 7am with big intentions for the day but now it’s 2.34pm, and I haven’t left the house yet. In fact, I only got dressed an hour ago and still need to straighten my hair and put on my make up.
Today, I had plans. But they got waylaid.
Because, you see, today I have been in a fight.
A big one.
I felt it creeping up on me yesterday. Fear. Making me doubt myself, question my abilities, my skills, my character.
I’d returned to work this week after a month off, and I’ve got a new role description and responsibilities. Monday was great! A meeting with my manager, who is also one of my best friends. He encouraged me and supported me, and I felt excited to be back. Monday evening I saw a lovely friend. She encouraged and supported me too. I am so blessed.
But yesterday I felt the prickly pain of fear pinch my thoughts. Was I good enough? Could I do this job? Could I make a difference? Then, as I started planning the term, I realised how close December is.
Meaning how close my heart surgery is.
12 weeks away, maybe only 10.
I felt fear’s razored tongue gently caress my ear, hissing its painful thoughts at me. Jabbing, cutting, making me bleed.
And I took a handful of chocolates from the tin and ran and hid in the bathroom and stuffed my face.
In that moment I was in the throws of fear. Fear of failing at my job. Fear of failing in my relationships. Fear of still being overweight. Fear of not losing any more weight before the surgery. Fear of the surgery itself. Fear of it going wrong. Fear of having a stroke, brain damage, kidney damage, heart failure, infection. Fear of the recovery, loss of independence, being a burden. Fear of pain. Fear of being stuck at home. Fear of losing my job, of not having enough money. Fear of being rejected, being single forever. Fear of not fulfilling any of my dreams.
Today, I remembered that I have weapons. A whole armoury in fact!
I have been declaring truth over myself, my life, my situations. I’ve read scriptures about not giving up and scriptures of encouragement . I’ve sung songs about not being a slave to fear, and how strong God is, how strong I am through Him! I’ve found photos that inspire me and put scripture on them to create motivational pictures that truly resonate with me. I’ve danced. I’ve shouted out. I’ve prayed. I’ve stomped. I’ve cheered.
I’ve remembered who I really am. Who He really is. And what He has given me.
I’m excited about my dreams. It is not stupid to believe that God wants me to have the desires of my heart. His word says that He has put them there! My dreams are not unrealistic, or stupid or wrong.
God gave me this body and it is OK, no it is right that I should be taking care of it, and taking time to use it well and love it. My body is not something for me to worship, but it is a temple for His Holy Spirit. I was bought for a price. He dwells in me. My heart is His! I am fearfully and wonderfully made, the apple of His eye!
I don’t need to fear, because He is with me and there is an amazing plan for my life that is beyond anything I can imagine. In Christ I am not timid. I have power, love and self-discipline, all the time.
Today I have been in a fight.
A big one.
And I won.